The last time that I sat down and took the time to write was in October. October? To me that is crazy. A lot has gone on since October. Before I decided to sit down and write this post I was enjoying an amazing book by Glennon Doyle, which we will get to down this blog a little bit further. I was also listening to the rain, breathing in the air, reflecting on my life (which if you follow this blog you know I do) and reread my last blog post. My last post still brought tears to my eyes. Tears that in October I would have tried to choke down and power through. But today wasn’t like that. No. Today I let the tears slide down my face and let myself feel my feelings. To some that might not be a big thing but until a couple months ago I had never truly let myself feel that feeling. My last blog came from a place of sadness, loss, depression, anxiety and heartbreak. But today as I reread it the feelings that came up for me were thankful, love and healing.
Let me step back and really be vulnerable to the people that follow my journey and read my writings. The last 7 months I have fallen to my knees, I have woken up and didn’t know how to make it through the day, I have had to learn to ask for help, I have learned that on the days that my anxiety got the worst of me that it was ok to have one of my best friends go grocery shopping for me. I have learned that when you hit rock bottom and am so lost that you are having a hard time seeing the light that it is OKAY to feel how you are feeling, It is OKAY to ask for help, and it is OKAY to ask others for help.
Over the past seven months I will admit I checked out. I checked out on my friends, family, and myself. I was at rock bottom. I pushed through school, work and social events when all I truly wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and stay there. I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell didn’t want to listen to what was truly going on inside me. It got to the point that I couldn’t sleep at night if my roommate/bestie wasn’t home. I would literally cry because I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had never had anxiety like this in my life. I finally looked at her and said crying “I can’t keep living this way, I need help.” She hugged me and supported me through the worst of times and is still by my side as I am finding me. I had a heart to heart with my dad and opened up about how I was feeling and when I told him I wanted to see a therapist he supported me 100%. That decision was the best decision I have ever made.
January brought a lot of things to light. Things I had tucked deep down inside of me for most of my life. It brought up my true feelings about myself, the ones around me and the things I was most scared of. But I also found myself reaching out to the ones that I love for help.
The beginning of February brought my first counseling appointment. I walked in the counseling building and found a person smiling behind that desk, art of the wall, quotes posted around the room that read “Breathe, this to will pass” or something like that. To say I was nervous that first appointment would be an understatement but I also felt like I was going to come out better then I was when I walked in. And trust me inside I was a HOT mess. I met my counselor and after telling her my story and where I felt I was at, She asked me what are your goals? I immediately started thinking “What are my goals? Aren’t you supposed to tell me what my goals are?” Instead I gave her a look and said “I want to feel like I can breathe, I want to open up to my loved ones, I want to feel.”
From that first appointment and until now boy have I learned a lot. I am the most honest I have ever been with myself, my loved ones and my closest friends. I feel like I am alive for the first time in my life, I feel like I can breath and I appreciate the little moments in my life. I have had one of the most honest, enriching, life changing conversations with my dad that has made our relationship stronger. I have learned that the people who love me will have my back and support me through the best and worst. I have learned that I can’t live this life not living it true to myself.
Some people have said to me over the last few months “I wondered what was going on with you, it was like you checked out.” Had I checked out or had I checked in? To some people yes I stepped back because I had lost myself completely. I had to deal with myself, my feelings and had to figure out how to get up and be ME. I had to have the most honest, scary, and nerve racking conversation I have ever had to have with my loved ones. I had to learn how to be true to myself and who I am. I had to come to the realization that It is ok to love myself and that God loves me unconditionally.
A friend of mine recently recommended that I read the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle after having an amazing conversation with her. I ordered the book last week and I read it in 25 hours. Obviously I didn’t read it straight through those 25 hours I needed to sleep, eat and live. But I finished it faster than any other book I have ever read. I felt like she was talking and advising me. There isn’t truly words to describe how that book made me feel. All I can say is if you are looking for a good book that will allow you to open up, or if you are struggling with something. This is the book to read. I am now onto her newest book Untamed and it is still like she is reaching into me and pulling out even more feelings.
I guess what this blog is about is to say HI! I am alive, I am breathing, I am free from my own cage, I am living the best life I have lived in a long time, I am unapologetically me and that is something I have struggled with for most of my life. The ones closest to me have seen the struggles the hardships but the last seven months not to many people saw the rock bottom. I believe that in growing yourself you have to vulnerable, honest and true. That is something I am working on every day. During this time at home I have been learning to breath deeper, exhale softer, enjoy my friends and family via phone, social media, etc. And just learning to LIVE.
Hopefully it wont be another 7 months before you hear from me again but if it is I am sure that there is a lot more growing that will happen between now and then.
As we say good bye today to 2018 I find myself looking back over the past year. It was a year of love, hope, travel, sadness and learning more about who I am. I love reflecting on the years past. I love to look back and see where I was and where I am today. My goal for 2018 wasn’t to be anyone but me. I wanted to focus on myself and do what I wanted to do. For me traveling gives me the time to think and ponder about life. It is my me time. The time that I give to myself to think through life.
I have been in big cities, small towns, listened to the waves crash in the Pacific ocean and listened to the waves crash in the Atlantic ocean all in this year. I have met people that would give you the shirt off their back and people that wouldn’t. I have come to love the noise of the big cities. The sounds of cars, people talking, tall buildings surrounding you and just the amazing sites you can find in the big cities. I find myself feeling so small in those busy cities and sometimes find myself standing against a building just soaking in the hustle of the busy streets and smiling.
Thanks Em for always having my back and supporting my crazy ideas. I love with everything I am. I try to see the best in everyone. I would give anything I had to the ones I love and overall just try to be a good human.
Liz's Gypsy Journey 