life – Liz's Gypsy Journey

Confident

January 14, 2021 Liz's Gypsy JourneyLeave a comment

2020 is officially over and I think that I can safely say we were all ready for the new year. 2020 for some was a really bad year, world wide pandemic, loss of jobs, loss of loved ones, scary moments and A LOT of change. But for me 2020 was the year that I found out who my true friends and family were. I tried new things, I pushed myself to be better, more honest, more open and overall worked on being a better person. I finished junior college this fall and will graduate this spring. I planted and grew my own garden, got chickens, loved my home life. 2020 was the year I truly found ME and allowed myself to love me for who I am.

I have amazing friends. They are supportive, kind, caring, loving, non judge mental and humans that you can call at anytime of the day and they have your back. I LOVE my circle I have created for myself. The women in my circle are strong, courageous, beautiful on the inside and out, and they are true. True to themselves, their friends, their families and the people in their lives. Without my circle the last year I am not 100% sure where I would be today. They helped me, supported me and picked me up when I was down (boy was I at a low the beginning of last year). But over all that they loved me and saw me for me. They had my back and helped me become the person I am and for that I will always be thankful.

2021 is officially here and I am not going to lie, I struggled the first few days. Reflecting, questioning what I wanted and what my goals were. But once I allowed myself to feel my feelings and opened up to a couple of my closest friends I realized again that we all have down days. We are HUMAN we struggle and we get back up. But I have learned that it is ok to lean on someone else if you need help.

This week I decided that I needed to change up my hair again. I texted my best friend since birth who is my hairstylist and asked her if she could give me any hair cut what would it be? She then responded with pictures of powerful women with Mohawks. I thought ok….And asked her if she truly thought I could rock it. I don’t have a slim face or body and was always afraid of what a cut like that would look like. But she responded ABSOLUTELY you can rock it. Em’s motto in life is “Anyone can wear red lipstick if they have the confidence to put it on.” Those words struck me and made me realize I needed to have the confidence and trust her, she’s never let me down. So I made the appointment and 5 mins later watched my hair hit the ground. At one point I looked at her in the mirror and said “what the F*** did we just do?” She started laughing and said don’t worry. Well 1.5 hours later I had a new to me hair cut. I wasn’t to excited about it at first but as the next hour went on and I restyled it to help me figure out how to make it me, I started to fall in love with it!

I went to a friends for dinner and was greeted by her four year old daughter. She opened the door with excitement looked at me and her face dropped. I knew she saw my new hair. All of a sudden she started jumping up and down with excitement and said “Lizzy! you got a new hairstyle and I love it!” That moment right there made me find the confidence to love it even more. I believe that children truly see people for who they are and are brutally honest. Even though she is little her opinion of me meant a lot!

I started to self reflect the next day. I sat in my car while I had time to kill and asked myself “why did watching the hair fall to the ground effect me so much? Why does the hair that I normally wear in a hat matter to me?” Well once I really started to think about these questions I was asking myself I realized that it was the stigma that was put on not only me but I feel most women as we grow up. We are taught that as women we need to have long, gorgeous hair to be even prettier, we are taught to mold into the person we think someone else wants us to be. Watching the hair hit the ground made me think to myself, how am I supposed to be feminine and beautiful without my hair? (And the people that know me know it wasn’t long but it definitely wasn’t this short. ) But I came to the realization that hair doesn’t make me feminine, it doesn’t make me beautiful, my hair DOESN’T define me! I found that in the first 24 hours of having my mohawk I have found more self confidence. I found myself actually putting make up because I wanted to, not because I felt I needed to. I completely mohawked my hair and LOVED it! I’ve learned that I would rather have a mohawk and become more myself with an easy to do hair cut then put my hair up everyday.

The last year I have learned that I would rather be disliked for who I am then go another day living for someone else. We only get one life! And I am sure as heck going to live mine. I am going to love myself and my friends/family. I am going to continue to be the person people can call for help, I am going to continue to better myself and my education because I want to. I am going to continue to be someone that my friends kids can look up to and realize they can be them. I am THANKFUL for the morals and standards that I was taught. I would rather be a confident, self loving, good human who has others back any day over being the person that molds into societies standards. I am going to continue to be thankful for the strong women role models in my life that helped form me into the woman I am today and hope I can be a role model to others.

So if you want to make a change do it! Have the confidence to be you! Have the confidence to love yourself and have the confidence to be the person you needed to see when you were a kid! Here is to 2021 and being genuinely happy and YOU!

Adventure Of Me

March 28, 2020March 28, 2020 Liz's Gypsy Journey1 Comment

The last time that I sat down and took the time to write was in October. October? To me that is crazy. A lot has gone on since October. Before I decided to sit down and write this post I was enjoying an amazing book by Glennon Doyle, which we will get to down this blog a little bit further. I was also listening to the rain, breathing in the air, reflecting on my life (which if you follow this blog you know I do) and reread my last blog post. My last post still brought tears to my eyes. Tears that in October I would have tried to choke down and power through. But today wasn’t like that. No. Today I let the tears slide down my face and let myself feel my feelings. To some that might not be a big thing but until a couple months ago I had never truly let myself feel that feeling. My last blog came from a place of sadness, loss, depression, anxiety and heartbreak. But today as I reread it the feelings that came up for me were thankful, love and healing.

Let me step back and really be vulnerable to the people that follow my journey and read my writings. The last 7 months I have fallen to my knees, I have woken up and didn’t know how to make it through the day, I have had to learn to ask for help, I have learned that on the days that my anxiety got the worst of me that it was ok to have one of my best friends go grocery shopping for me. I have learned that when you hit rock bottom and am so lost that you are having a hard time seeing the light that it is OKAY to feel how you are feeling, It is OKAY to ask for help, and it is OKAY to ask others for help.

Over the past seven months I will admit I checked out. I checked out on my friends, family, and myself. I was at rock bottom. I pushed through school, work and social events when all I truly wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and stay there. I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell didn’t want to listen to what was truly going on inside me. It got to the point that I couldn’t sleep at night if my roommate/bestie wasn’t home. I would literally cry because I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had never had anxiety like this in my life. I finally looked at her and said crying “I can’t keep living this way, I need help.” She hugged me and supported me through the worst of times and is still by my side as I am finding me. I had a heart to heart with my dad and opened up about how I was feeling and when I told him I wanted to see a therapist he supported me 100%. That decision was the best decision I have ever made.

January brought a lot of things to light. Things I had tucked deep down inside of me for most of my life. It brought up my true feelings about myself, the ones around me and the things I was most scared of. But I also found myself reaching out to the ones that I love for help.

The beginning of February brought my first counseling appointment. I walked in the counseling building and found a person smiling behind that desk, art of the wall, quotes posted around the room that read “Breathe, this to will pass” or something like that. To say I was nervous that first appointment would be an understatement but I also felt like I was going to come out better then I was when I walked in. And trust me inside I was a HOT mess. I met my counselor and after telling her my story and where I felt I was at, She asked me what are your goals? I immediately started thinking “What are my goals? Aren’t you supposed to tell me what my goals are?” Instead I gave her a look and said “I want to feel like I can breathe, I want to open up to my loved ones, I want to feel.”

From that first appointment and until now boy have I learned a lot. I am the most honest I have ever been with myself, my loved ones and my closest friends. I feel like I am alive for the first time in my life, I feel like I can breath and I appreciate the little moments in my life. I have had one of the most honest, enriching, life changing conversations with my dad that has made our relationship stronger. I have learned that the people who love me will have my back and support me through the best and worst. I have learned that I can’t live this life not living it true to myself.

Some people have said to me over the last few months “I wondered what was going on with you, it was like you checked out.” Had I checked out or had I checked in? To some people yes I stepped back because I had lost myself completely. I had to deal with myself, my feelings and had to figure out how to get up and be ME. I had to have the most honest, scary, and nerve racking conversation I have ever had to have with my loved ones. I had to learn how to be true to myself and who I am. I had to come to the realization that It is ok to love myself and that God loves me unconditionally.

A friend of mine recently recommended that I read the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle after having an amazing conversation with her. I ordered the book last week and I read it in 25 hours. Obviously I didn’t read it straight through those 25 hours I needed to sleep, eat and live. But I finished it faster than any other book I have ever read. I felt like she was talking and advising me. There isn’t truly words to describe how that book made me feel. All I can say is if you are looking for a good book that will allow you to open up, or if you are struggling with something. This is the book to read. I am now onto her newest book Untamed and it is still like she is reaching into me and pulling out even more feelings.

I guess what this blog is about is to say HI! I am alive, I am breathing, I am free from my own cage, I am living the best life I have lived in a long time, I am unapologetically me and that is something I have struggled with for most of my life. The ones closest to me have seen the struggles the hardships but the last seven months not to many people saw the rock bottom. I believe that in growing yourself you have to vulnerable, honest and true. That is something I am working on every day. During this time at home I have been learning to breath deeper, exhale softer, enjoy my friends and family via phone, social media, etc. And just learning to LIVE.

Hopefully it wont be another 7 months before you hear from me again but if it is I am sure that there is a lot more growing that will happen between now and then.

What do you say?

October 1, 2019October 1, 2019 Liz's Gypsy Journey2 Comments

For 10,632 days I was lucky enough to have an amazing woman by my side. She was thoughtful, loving, caring, drove you to be your best and supported me through every moment on my life. 62 days ago I told her I loved her for the last time and stood by her bed as she took her last breath.

When it comes this amazing woman and what she meant to me there isn’t enough words. She loved me like her own, loved me like a sister, loved me like a cousin. She wasn’t just a friend but someone that held me from day one and continued to be there no matter what. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago I’ll never forget when she looked at my aunt in that doctors office and said we are going to beat this. She had the best outlook and most positive outlook on life. She fought hard and she fought it her way. She tried and did find the good in every day even if she wasn’t having a good day. She always made sure the people she loved knew it.

To say my heart is broke is an understatement. In the last 62 days I have been trying to find myself and who I am without her. I have been trying to learn to lean on people more than ever, that its ok to cry even tho you don’t want to and that the people that have your back will take you in no matter what mood you are in. I know one day I’ll get back to my new normal but getting there is a hard task. I know I’m ok because she taught me how to be strong, how to fight for the things I love and how to live life to the fullest.

One of my best friends sent me a quote when I took a road trip to help clear my head and it hit home with me more than any other quote today. “I believe the hardest part of healing after you’ve lost someone you love, is to recover the ‘you’ that went away with them.” I can honestly say that quote couldn’t be more true. Finding that part is a journey, one that I am still trying to work out.

Even tho I am hurting, numb, heartbroken, sad, and pissed at times I know she would want me to live my life and live it to the fullest. Anytime I had or did something she didn’t fully approve of I would get the eye roll and “oh Elizabeth Ann” but she would always smile at the end and tell me she loved me. I can still hear and see her doing it and that makes my heart happy.

Kimberly Benfield Porter will never be forgotten and will be cherished and remembered for my entire life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her. She was my go to person, rock, mentor, sister, best friend and confidant. There is a place in my heart that will always be hers and a place I will forever be grateful for. Grateful for the talks, concerts, car rides, sugar cookie baking, sleepovers, laughs, hugs, smiles and tears.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and until this year. Well until the last two years it never hit home quite like this year is. This year it has a whole new meaning. To the survivors that kicked its ass you are stronger than you realize. To the woman we have lost you are still loved beyond measure. To the woman that will eventually put on their gloves and fight it, we are in your corner. Cancer doesn’t define you or who you are. Your legacy is what you have given to others and what you have done with your life. Live your life to the fullest and love hard. Life is to short to not be happy. Do what you want, be who you are, love yourself and find the good in everyday.