Liz's Gypsy Journey

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June 22, 2020June 22, 2020 Liz's Gypsy JourneyLeave a comment

June 21st I turned thirty. Thirty is a new decade for me, new chapter, new fresh start and one I can honestly say that I am ready for. For most of my followers you have kept up on my travels, life and even more recently my openness about needing to ask for help. To the people that are in my daily life you have seen me grow, become more fulfilled, happier and open this last year. I wanted to take the time I have to write this blog not only about the things I have learned so far in life but also thank the people in my life for having my back and loving me unconditionally.

Things I have learned

Love with all you have and make sure the ones you love know because tomorrow is never promised.
Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Everyone goes through their own things but sometimes they just need someone to have their back.
When someone opens up to you, listen. Sometimes thats the best thing you can do for them.
Be unapologetically YOU, because 9/10 people in your life know the true you and are waiting for you to be ok with yourself.
The people that judge you for being who you are aren’t really the ones that have your back in the end.
Find out who your tribe/family truly is.
I have lost people in my life that have meant more to me then they even knew. But everyday I try to make them proud.
Be a good, faithful and true friend because when you hit your rock bottom you will need that in return.
Travel! Experience life, different cultures, food and religions.
Be a good human!
Educate yourself. That doesn’t necessarily mean go to college it means get out of your comfort zone and learn more about the world around you.
Find the confidence to be yourself.
Find the courage to set boundaries to save yourself from things you don’t want to be apart of and know it is ok to have those boundaries.
Tell people how you truly feel about them.
Thank the people who are there for you.
Smile at random strangers because it could change their day.
Don’t say “I love you but…” to someone because it makes them question if you truly love them.
Stand up for what you believe in because that is how the world is changed.
Do something that scares you every now and then because it could be the thing that releases you.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you are missing someone tell them!
Try not to worry about the little things.
Enjoy life to its fullest.
Dare to dream.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes because that is how you learn.
Find something everyday to make you laugh. Laughter is good for the soul.
It is ok to take time for yourself, because those moments are where you find yourself.
Surround yourself with people who truly love you unconditionally and know when it’s time to let others go.
Treat people with the dignity and respect you want to be treated with.

Those are my top 30 things I have learned within my life and some even recently.

Friendship

This last weekend I had a friend ask me “what does thirty look like to you?” That was a question I had never thought about until that moment and really until I sat down to write this post. Thirty to me is about living my life. It is about being free in my own skin. It is about loving, learning, bettering and being whole. It is about saying goodbye to the fears I have had in my life. It is about loving myself unconditionally. It’s about being a good friend, aunt, sister and daughter. It’s about learning more of what I love and knowing its ok to walk away from the things that I don’t. It is about breathing and actually feeling the world under my feet. It’s about taking the time to listen to the small things in life and soaking up the little things that get passed by. It’s about living and loving.

Some of my friends have told me that by the time you turn thirty you forget about what people think about you and you just live your life to the best of your ability. But we are human and we are always wanting to have approval but what I think does happen is that by the time you turn thirty you are more ok with who you are. You have made your tribe and know/hope they have your back which in turn gives you freedom to fly. I definitely can say that this year has already been that year for me. When I came out I learned who loves me, who has my back, who supports me through thick and thin and who doesn’t. I have been unapologetically me but I did the work to get to where I am today and couldn’t be happier.

I have friends who haven’t seen me in a while and they notice that the smile on my face isn’t forced. They say I have a sparkle in my eye. Well that true smile and sparkle is there because I am finally free from my own cage and truly living. Will I continue to have hard days YES because I am human but in the end I know I am loved, supported and truly cared for.

Thankful

When looking back at my last year and thinking about who truly saw the rock bottom, sad, anxious, lonely and unhappy me it was my roommate Alecia. She saw it ALL! Until last Friday I never truly realized just how much it hurt her to see me at my rock bottom. We were having a conversation about the person I was that day and truly how far I had come in my own self journey. She started to cry because there was something was posted on social media that we didn’t agree with and she knew that it had upset me. She looked at me and said ” I wish everyone could truly see how far you have come to be undeniably yourself and the best version I have ever seen you be. You have worked so hard to get to where you are today and it was hell watching you find and be ok with yourself.” As I watched the tears flow down her face it made me realize just how amazing she is. She literally helped me get out of bed somedays and always had a hug ready when I needed it. Words will never be enough because I truly wonder where I would be without her support.

My Dad, sisters, brothers and closest friends I thank you. I thank you for loving me through the ups and downs. I am thankful that I can say I have one hell of a support system behind me that knows me for me and loves me unconditionally! You also have seen me change and be the most honest, open vulnerable version of myself.

As I am a day into my 30s officially all I can say is Thank You! For those of you that stand beside me through the ups and the downs THANK YOU! For the ones who helped me through my rock bottom THANK YOU! For those that have been by my side for years THANK YOU because you have seen me trying to be the best version of myself and have helped me be me. This next decade is going to be an amazing one I can feel it and I am sooo ready for it!

Here is one of my favorite quotes at this moment:

“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me. I quit spending my life trying to control myself and began to trust myself.” -Glennon Doyle (Untamed)

Much Love!

Adventure Of Me

March 28, 2020March 28, 2020 Liz's Gypsy Journey1 Comment

The last time that I sat down and took the time to write was in October. October? To me that is crazy. A lot has gone on since October. Before I decided to sit down and write this post I was enjoying an amazing book by Glennon Doyle, which we will get to down this blog a little bit further. I was also listening to the rain, breathing in the air, reflecting on my life (which if you follow this blog you know I do) and reread my last blog post. My last post still brought tears to my eyes. Tears that in October I would have tried to choke down and power through. But today wasn’t like that. No. Today I let the tears slide down my face and let myself feel my feelings. To some that might not be a big thing but until a couple months ago I had never truly let myself feel that feeling. My last blog came from a place of sadness, loss, depression, anxiety and heartbreak. But today as I reread it the feelings that came up for me were thankful, love and healing.

Let me step back and really be vulnerable to the people that follow my journey and read my writings. The last 7 months I have fallen to my knees, I have woken up and didn’t know how to make it through the day, I have had to learn to ask for help, I have learned that on the days that my anxiety got the worst of me that it was ok to have one of my best friends go grocery shopping for me. I have learned that when you hit rock bottom and am so lost that you are having a hard time seeing the light that it is OKAY to feel how you are feeling, It is OKAY to ask for help, and it is OKAY to ask others for help.

Over the past seven months I will admit I checked out. I checked out on my friends, family, and myself. I was at rock bottom. I pushed through school, work and social events when all I truly wanted to do was bury myself in my bed and stay there. I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I sure as hell didn’t want to listen to what was truly going on inside me. It got to the point that I couldn’t sleep at night if my roommate/bestie wasn’t home. I would literally cry because I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had never had anxiety like this in my life. I finally looked at her and said crying “I can’t keep living this way, I need help.” She hugged me and supported me through the worst of times and is still by my side as I am finding me. I had a heart to heart with my dad and opened up about how I was feeling and when I told him I wanted to see a therapist he supported me 100%. That decision was the best decision I have ever made.

January brought a lot of things to light. Things I had tucked deep down inside of me for most of my life. It brought up my true feelings about myself, the ones around me and the things I was most scared of. But I also found myself reaching out to the ones that I love for help.

The beginning of February brought my first counseling appointment. I walked in the counseling building and found a person smiling behind that desk, art of the wall, quotes posted around the room that read “Breathe, this to will pass” or something like that. To say I was nervous that first appointment would be an understatement but I also felt like I was going to come out better then I was when I walked in. And trust me inside I was a HOT mess. I met my counselor and after telling her my story and where I felt I was at, She asked me what are your goals? I immediately started thinking “What are my goals? Aren’t you supposed to tell me what my goals are?” Instead I gave her a look and said “I want to feel like I can breathe, I want to open up to my loved ones, I want to feel.”

From that first appointment and until now boy have I learned a lot. I am the most honest I have ever been with myself, my loved ones and my closest friends. I feel like I am alive for the first time in my life, I feel like I can breath and I appreciate the little moments in my life. I have had one of the most honest, enriching, life changing conversations with my dad that has made our relationship stronger. I have learned that the people who love me will have my back and support me through the best and worst. I have learned that I can’t live this life not living it true to myself.

Some people have said to me over the last few months “I wondered what was going on with you, it was like you checked out.” Had I checked out or had I checked in? To some people yes I stepped back because I had lost myself completely. I had to deal with myself, my feelings and had to figure out how to get up and be ME. I had to have the most honest, scary, and nerve racking conversation I have ever had to have with my loved ones. I had to learn how to be true to myself and who I am. I had to come to the realization that It is ok to love myself and that God loves me unconditionally.

A friend of mine recently recommended that I read the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle after having an amazing conversation with her. I ordered the book last week and I read it in 25 hours. Obviously I didn’t read it straight through those 25 hours I needed to sleep, eat and live. But I finished it faster than any other book I have ever read. I felt like she was talking and advising me. There isn’t truly words to describe how that book made me feel. All I can say is if you are looking for a good book that will allow you to open up, or if you are struggling with something. This is the book to read. I am now onto her newest book Untamed and it is still like she is reaching into me and pulling out even more feelings.

I guess what this blog is about is to say HI! I am alive, I am breathing, I am free from my own cage, I am living the best life I have lived in a long time, I am unapologetically me and that is something I have struggled with for most of my life. The ones closest to me have seen the struggles the hardships but the last seven months not to many people saw the rock bottom. I believe that in growing yourself you have to vulnerable, honest and true. That is something I am working on every day. During this time at home I have been learning to breath deeper, exhale softer, enjoy my friends and family via phone, social media, etc. And just learning to LIVE.

Hopefully it wont be another 7 months before you hear from me again but if it is I am sure that there is a lot more growing that will happen between now and then.

What do you say?

October 1, 2019October 1, 2019 Liz's Gypsy Journey2 Comments

For 10,632 days I was lucky enough to have an amazing woman by my side. She was thoughtful, loving, caring, drove you to be your best and supported me through every moment on my life. 62 days ago I told her I loved her for the last time and stood by her bed as she took her last breath.

When it comes this amazing woman and what she meant to me there isn’t enough words. She loved me like her own, loved me like a sister, loved me like a cousin. She wasn’t just a friend but someone that held me from day one and continued to be there no matter what. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago I’ll never forget when she looked at my aunt in that doctors office and said we are going to beat this. She had the best outlook and most positive outlook on life. She fought hard and she fought it her way. She tried and did find the good in every day even if she wasn’t having a good day. She always made sure the people she loved knew it.

To say my heart is broke is an understatement. In the last 62 days I have been trying to find myself and who I am without her. I have been trying to learn to lean on people more than ever, that its ok to cry even tho you don’t want to and that the people that have your back will take you in no matter what mood you are in. I know one day I’ll get back to my new normal but getting there is a hard task. I know I’m ok because she taught me how to be strong, how to fight for the things I love and how to live life to the fullest.

One of my best friends sent me a quote when I took a road trip to help clear my head and it hit home with me more than any other quote today. “I believe the hardest part of healing after you’ve lost someone you love, is to recover the ‘you’ that went away with them.” I can honestly say that quote couldn’t be more true. Finding that part is a journey, one that I am still trying to work out.

Even tho I am hurting, numb, heartbroken, sad, and pissed at times I know she would want me to live my life and live it to the fullest. Anytime I had or did something she didn’t fully approve of I would get the eye roll and “oh Elizabeth Ann” but she would always smile at the end and tell me she loved me. I can still hear and see her doing it and that makes my heart happy.

Kimberly Benfield Porter will never be forgotten and will be cherished and remembered for my entire life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her. She was my go to person, rock, mentor, sister, best friend and confidant. There is a place in my heart that will always be hers and a place I will forever be grateful for. Grateful for the talks, concerts, car rides, sugar cookie baking, sleepovers, laughs, hugs, smiles and tears.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and until this year. Well until the last two years it never hit home quite like this year is. This year it has a whole new meaning. To the survivors that kicked its ass you are stronger than you realize. To the woman we have lost you are still loved beyond measure. To the woman that will eventually put on their gloves and fight it, we are in your corner. Cancer doesn’t define you or who you are. Your legacy is what you have given to others and what you have done with your life. Live your life to the fullest and love hard. Life is to short to not be happy. Do what you want, be who you are, love yourself and find the good in everyday.